HOUSTON, TX—At an upbeat political rally Monday evening, President Trump had a CNN journalist dropped into a pit with a vicious rancor, where he fought for his life as the crowd cheered and jeered.
The exciting feature event took place in the middle of the rally after Trump gave a speech on civility and the need to make sure the "violent left" doesn't take Congress in the midterms. As peppy dancers performed and the crowds' enthusiasm continued to build, Trump, seated on a large slab onstage, called on his aides to bring the captured CNN journalist to him.
He attempted to bargain for his life, but Trump was not moved. "There will be no bargain, young journalist," he said, drawing hollers from the crowd. "I shall enjoy watching you die."
Suddenly, the floor dropped away, and the hapless reporter plummeted twenty-five feet to a dank, dark pit below as Trump cackled loudly.
The bloodthirsty Trump supporters were disappointed, however, when the journalist was able to stave off the Rancor's attacks with the discarded bones of other reporters Trump had fed to the Rancor, and finally slay the beast by trapping him beneath the chamber's sharp, heavy portcullis.
At publishing time, Trump and his posse had led the journalist to the Texas desert, where he would be fed to a ravenous sarlaac.