TORONTO — With other ideas having failed, the family of Professor-Author-Philosopher Dr. Jordan B. Peterson made one final, desperate attempt to distract him with several cats in order to confiscate his phone.
"Oooh, Dad, look at this fluffy kitten!" said his son, Julian Peterson. "Don't you want to pet it? It's so soft! If you scratch him behind his ears, he'll even purr at you! That's right. C'mon, Dad! For the love of God, just get off Twitter."
"That makes me want to tweet out a funny picture of a cat," Dr. Peterson said. "Look at this cat picture I found on Google — if that's not a social justice cat, I don't know what is!"
Jordan's daughter, Mikhaila, then entered the room with a cat under each arm. "Hey, Dad! Look at these cats! They even do tricks. You can shine a laser pointer on the floor and make them chase it! It'll be hours of fun!"
As the revered professor smiled and put his cell phone down to start playing with the cats, Mikhaila turned and said in a hushed whisper, "Now, Mom! The phone — take it! Take it!" as her mother, Tammy, rushed over and dove for her husband's phone. "Got it!" Tammy shouted as she tossed the phone to Julian, who rushed out the door.
At publishing time, Dr. Peterson had returned to Twitter, using a laptop to post pictures of the cats and describe them as metaphors for Canada's socialist rulers, with each word of the tweet appearing on a line by itself for some unexplained reason.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.