Johnson And Johnson Rolls Out New 'No More Clots' Vaccine

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A spokesman for the FDA announced Friday that it was lifting the pause on the Johnson and Johnson COVID vaccine after the company reformulated the product into a trademarked No More Clots™ formula. Shares of the company jumped 5% after the announcement. 

“We are pleased to announce that Johnson and Johnson’s new vaccine formula has passed all of the rigorous safety testing we could do in three days,” an FDA spokesman said. “Plus, it says ‘no more clots’ right there in the name! What could possibly go wrong?” 

A spokeswoman for Johnson and Johnson said the company worked extensively with scientists in their baby shampoo division to make sure the new COVID vaccine was safe. “Our new No More Clots™ formula is as gentle to your platelets as pure water,” she said.

“It’s also 100% soap-free, dermatologist-tested, and hypoallergenic.” 

The spokeswoman noted that the vaccine was tested extensively by the company’s herd of koala bears, which confirmed that the vaccine not only eliminates the risk of deadly blood clots, but also made their hair softer, shiner, and more manageable, all while maintaining a fresh smell.  

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