HOUSTON, TX—After stumbling upon a lively debate on Twitter Tuesday regarding the Eternal Functional Submission of the Son within the Trinity, Joel Osteen, Senior Pastor of Lakewood Church, curiously opened a new tab and googled “what is a trinity,” sources confirmed.
“Victoria, have you seen this discussion online about this Trinity?” Osteen reportedly called to his wife, informing her that he was googling the term after she replied that she had “no earthly idea” what he was talking about.
Unable to make any sense of the Wikipedia article he read, Osteen then went back and clicked on the second search result, then the third, growing more confused with each new explanation he read.
“One God . . . three persons . . . what?” he was heard mumbling to himself at his computer, his brow growing ever more furrowed as the angle at which his head was cocked slowly increased. “Is this some new thing or something?”
At publishing time, a perplexed Osteen had reportedly closed his web browser and sat in muddled silence for several minutes before pulling out a pen and paper to begin preparing the message he will deliver this Sunday to the largest church in America.