WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden has just signed a bill into law prohibiting everyone in America from using the word "recession." The Economic Integrity Protection Act — also known as the "Don't Say Recession" bill — now threatens to punish any American with the full force of the law for simply uttering the word "recession."
"Come on folks, gotta stop saying 'recession.' It's a dirty word, sweetheart!" said Biden to an old White House intern he mistook for a young White House intern. "My grandmammy used to wash my mouth out with soap for using that word! Watch your mouth, Jack!"
"We tried changing the definition of recession, but if anything it just made people point out Biden's recession even more," said Treasury Secretary and inflation expert Janet Yellen. "Apparently when the price of everything is inflated which causes economic decline, reduced trade, and a fall in GDP for 2 consecutive quarters people start to notice. Weird." Yellen then went back to drafting a new plan to tax McDonald's Dollar Menu items.
According to sources, those who break the law and use the word "recession" will face up to 10 years in prison, which after inflation, amounts to 17 years.
At publishing time, the Biden administration confirmed the bill has a sunset clause that will take effect if a Republican is ever elected President.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
