OTTUMWA, IA - Presidential candidate Joe Biden promised to cure cancer if he is elected president, a strange claim since essential oils already exist and have been shown to cure cancer by studies performed by obscure mom blogs across the internet.

"I promise to cure cancer if I'm elected," he said, showcasing his baffling ignorance. It's like he doesn't even know that a few whiffs of lemon extract and lavender and your cancer goes away on its own. It's pretty frightening how out-of-touch Biden is on this one. He likely doesn't even have an essential oils starter kit or some handy rollers in his pockets.

The real question is whether Biden is in the pocket of Big Pharma. He probably is, since he made bold claims like curing cancer and totally ignored all the mom-reviewed research studies that show there's already a cure for cancer, consisting mostly of mixing up a bunch of essential oils and breathing them in through a diffuser you can buy from some lady at your church at full retail price.

If you'd like to know more about how essential oils can cure all forms of cancer, don't worry, the lady at your church will be approaching you soon whether you want to talk about it or not.