MARTHA'S VINEYARD — After posting a job listing to fill their vacant personal chef position, former President Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle, were disappointed to learn it had received zero applications.
"Why wouldn't anyone want this job?" an exasperated Michelle was heard asking her servant's personal assistant's driver at the Obamas' lavish estate. "Working for us is one of the greatest privileges anyone could experience. As long as you don't stick your nose where it doesn't belong, you'll be well-compensated and you'll get to stay alive! Where's the downside?"
In the absence of someone to prepare meals, Barack has reportedly found himself in the unenviable position of cooking for Michelle every day. "You think I want to be the one in the line of fire?" he was heard asking one of his bodyguards' social media managers. "That woman is serious about her food. You do not want to overcook her steak. You saw what happened to the last guy."
Remaining staff members have been attempting to steer clear of the couple when they are around, going as far as to avert their eyes or dive into nearby shrubs to avoid running afoul of the former president and his wife. "You don't know what it's like around here," said one staff member who asked to remain anonymous out of fear. "I'd tell you, but…I don't want to get, you know, 'paddleboarded.'"
At publishing time, the Obamas were preparing to sweeten the position to potential chefs, including offering to pay for their funeral and burial arrangements.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.