UZ — After losing much of his personal wealth, his children, his physical health, and his reputation among his friends, witnesses report local patriarch Job had finally lost the will to live after discovering his cell phone had died.

"For the thing that I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me," Job was heard saying as he lamented over his dead iPhone. Despite all his suffering, Job had maintained a surprisingly positive outlook on life clinging to his faith in God to see him through his plight while scrolling through Instagram and binging the final season of Better Call Saul to take his mind off his pain. Ignoring his phone's alerts that only a small amount of battery power remained, Job persevered until the screen went blank.

"Woe is me!" Job exclaimed, remembering his current trials included a malfunctioning phone charger. "Oh that I might have my request, and that God would fulfill my hope and just let me die!"

Job's friend, Eliphaz the Temanite, concluded that Job's phone died due to the fact that he did not fear God. "The wicked man wanders abroad for a charging station, saying ‘Where is it?'" Eliphaz said. "His battery icon will not be green."

It was in this depths of despair that Job declared he was giving up, resigning himself to die without knowing the final score in the Cubs-Padres game.

At publishing time, light shone anew, as God later restored Job's fortunes. In addition to more children, even greater flocks and herds, and more wealth, Job was blessed with a new iPhone 14 Pro, which featured far longer battery life.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.