LOS ANGELES, CA — In a tearful apology last night, beloved political pundit Jimmy Kimmel apologized to the nation for allowing comedian Dana Carvey on his show to tell funny jokes.
"In the past few nights, we had a guest host on the show who actually used this platform to tell jokes that were funny," said Kimmel as tears began to well up in his eyes. "It was irresponsible of me. I have spent the last few days educating myself, and I vow to do better moving forward."
The audience then stood to applaud, as the light-up signs had just told them to stand and applaud.
"In a world where Americans don't have universal healthcare, mass shootings are on the rise, and DeSantis is alive, it's completely inappropriate to tell jokes that make people laugh because they're funny. Now is the time to dwell on horrific tragedies in the news and talk about the ABC network's political policy ideas while vilifying half the country. That is the heavy responsibility of a late-night host."
Kimmel then collapsed on the floor and sobbed as a video montage depicting refugee orphans and starving puppies flashed across the screen.
At publishing time, several members of the audience asked ABC to bring back "the guy from Wayne's World who does a great imitation of Johnny Carson."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
