WASHINGTON, DC — Following the disastrous Presidential debate, First Lady Jill Biden announced she will not drop out of the race despite growing calls from within the party to do so.
"Over my husband's dead body!" Mrs. Biden declared. "The nomination is MINE. You hear me, Joe Scarborough? MINE! Now get back to work, fools!"
Many on the left have called for President Biden to step down after his mental decline was put on national display, however Jill Biden has forcefully refused. "Joe isn't going anywhere!" screamed Ms. Biden as a frightened Joe tried to appeal for help. "Shut up, Joe! I didn't drag your bag of bones through primary season to quit now. Get a juice box and get back on stage!"
With even liberal outlets like the New York Times calling for Biden to step aside for a younger, living candidate, the Biden campaign has thus far remained unmoved. A defiant Jill Biden returned to the campaign trail Thursday in an effort to reassure supporters she is still in the game. "Look how alive Joe looks! Who's a good boy?! We're not going anywhere. Four more years!"
As of publishing time, Jill Biden announced Joe would be placed in a cryogenic sleep until after the election and she would continue to run the country in the interim.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
