HAMBURG, GERMANY - Karl Schrapf, Senior Professor of Theology at the University of Türdbürgen, has assembled conclusive proof that the historical Jesus was not God incarnate, or in any way a fulfillment of Biblical prophecy. Instead, according to Schrapf, critical studies of New Testament texts reveal that Jesus's teachings pointed to a radical redistribution of wealth, the undermining of language, and a redefinition of gender.

Schraph, age 47, was amazed to find in his textual examinations that the Jesus he found virtually mirrored the things he himself believes about society. "When I strip away the things that obviously could not have been said by the Jesus of history, the Christ figure is practically an avatar of my own mind."

Schraph is not without his critics among the scholars of Türdbürgen. "Karl has no idea what he's talking about. To me, Jesus was a person who always spoke his mind, who told people exactly where they stood, who used strong language to mock the people he disagreed with," said Junior Fellow Arnold Trimpp, who is widely regarded among his peers as "a jerk," according to sources.

Additionally, another prominent scholar at U of T, Marxist Egalitarian Social Justice Warrior Martin Burgensward, disagrees with both Schrapf's and Trimpp's theories - positing his own competing theory that Jesus was in fact a Marxist Egalitarian Social Justice Warrior.