CAPERNAUM — Residents of several nearby villages were abuzz with excitement this week, as the traveling carpenter-turned-teacher Jesus of Nazareth healed a demon-possessed man by taking away his smartphone.
According to witnesses, the man's desperate friends and family brought him to Jesus after His disciples were unable to help him. Multiple reports indicated that the man's rages, convulsions, and foaming at the mouth were instantly healed as soon as Jesus removed the man's smartphone from his hand.
"You could tell he was immediately a different person," one witness said. "He had been screeching and wailing, screaming about arguing with people on X, but when he was brought to Jesus, he fell to the ground. Jesus simply reached out His hand and took the guy's phone out of his hand, and BAM — he was instantly in his right mind. It was an amazing transformation."
The demon-possessed man's brother was amazed. "I was afraid that nothing could help him," he said. "He's been this way ever since he got a smartphone and signed up for a bunch of social media platforms. Nothing but wild outbursts of bizarre behavior and fighting. We got to the point where we knew only God could save him. We brought him to Jesus' disciples, but they weren't able to do anything. Thankfully, Jesus completely healed him. All it took was getting rid of the phone. Praise the Lord!"
At publishing time, witnesses had reported that Jesus had told the man to go and scroll no more, or something worse might happen to him.
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