RICHMOND, VA — As part of his staff's afterparty after winning election as Virginia's next Attorney General, Jay Jones's campaign sent out a celebratory text message threatening to kill everyone's children.
Despite the scandal that erupted in recent weeks stemming from his controversial messages advocating for the killing of his political opponents and their children, Jones sailed to victory to land the AG slot, with his aides marking the occasion with another horrifying text threat.
"Honored to be your next Attorney General and death to anyone who opposes me!" the text message read. "Though MAGA extremists tried as hard as they could to keep us from winning, we got the victory, and I am proud to now be in a position to make good on all the promises I made on the campaign trail — including rounding up and killing the families of the people who ran against me. It's going to be a bright future for Virginians! At least for the people who don't stand in my way, that is."
Jones took the opportunity to use his path to electoral success as an inspirational lesson for all Americans. "You can achieve your dreams," he continued in the text. "It just goes to show that, if you threaten to kill enough children, you too can be elected to public office someday."
At publishing time, Virginia Republicans were believed to be scrambling to pack up their children and flee the state before they could all be killed by Jay Jones.
What happens when a politically divided family sit down for a "peaceful" dinner?
