REDMOND, WA — Experts at the DigiPen Institute of Technology confirmed what many have long suspected: the greatest video game of all time is BurgerTime.
"We've been studying BurgerTime for years and have determined beyond a reasonable doubt that it is the greatest piece of programming ever assembled," said Professor Edmond Rolf, a member of DigiPen's esteemed faculty. "It's as fun as it is philosophically challenging."
In BurgerTime, players control Chef Peter Pepper as he navigates scaffolding to walk across oversized ingredients to make them fall down onto giant plates in a race to make the world's largest hamburgers, all while avoiding anthropomorphic hot dogs, fried eggs, and pickles — as all chefs do. Players compete for the high score, armed with only a small supply of pepper to defend themselves in a deadly game that seemingly never ends.
"It's an allegory for purgatory," explained DigiPen program director and retired game designer Will Left. "Chef Peter Pepper sold his dream of running a burger joint to work at a fancy restaurant. After his death, he was sent to limbo, where he is sentenced to make burgers forever."
According to a published study, BurgerTime was leagues ahead of beloved titles Halo, The Legend of Zelda, and Sonic 3D Blast. "There is nothing in the world quite like BurgerTime, and that's what makes it so special. Super Mario Bros. is just another 2D platformer, but BurgerTime is forever," commented legendary game designer Shigeru Miyamoto. "I've lived in BurgerTime's shadow my whole life."
At publishing time, a proposed sequel to BurgerTime was once again abandoned after designers determined it was impossible to follow perfection.
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