LOS ANGELES, CA - James Bond fans around the world breathed a sigh of relief this week as Paramount Studios announced that the next iteration of the beloved British superspy will still be a male character played by a man.
"We are pleased to announce that we have chosen male actor Elliot Page to play James Bond!" said a spokesperson. "James Bond has always been a man, and we want to be true to that legacy."
"Cheerio!" said Page, attempting his best British accent. "I'm absolutely gobsmacked to be given this role, mate! The name's Bond. James Bond! Teeheehee!"
According to sources, Page was given the role due to his acting skills and also due to the fact that he's a man who is very, very male.
In preparation for the role, Page has started an intense workout regimen in hopes of gaining weight until he weighs in at around 130 pounds.
There is currently no official word on who will play the main Bond girl in the next film, although sources say it will be Caitlyn Jenner.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
