GAZA — Israel announced its complete withdrawal from the Gaza Strip after learning this morning of a protest from a 19-year-old Fine Arts major at Northwestern University named Roxy Barnett.
"Oh my goodness -- we've upset Roxy," said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as he was briefed on the protest. "I feel so foolish! The war is over, boys. Let Hamas stay in power, forget the hostages, everybody out of Gaza, immediately!!"
According to Israeli intel, Barnett had made a small sign out of cardboard and skipped class to walk around campus chanting. "When I learned of this 19-year-old in America skipping pottery class to chant how bad Israel is, I was shaken to the core," said one Israeli military commander, hastily canceling an upcoming missile strike on a known terror cell. "We thought we needed to destroy terrorists hellbent on raping and murdering Jews. But one look at Roxy's sign, and I knew it was time to pack up and rethink our entire foreign policy strategy."
As news of Israel's withdrawal spread, Barnett's followers praised her as a modern-day hero, with many calling for her to receive the Nobel Peace Prize. "Roxy single-handedly solved the Middle East conflict with a single sign," remarked one admirer. "Gosh, isn't it amazing to see how you can solve millennia-old violent conflicts by screaming at the sky on a college campus in Chicago?
At publishing time, in response to Roxy's latest protest, Donald Trump said he would no longer be running for president and that he had no idea how his campaign made her feel.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
