ELAH VALLEY — A young boy named David has found himself under intense scrutiny and condemnation for his alleged violence against a kindly Palestinian giant named Goliath. Those critical of the young boy's action call this yet another tragic case of disproportionate force and cultural insensitivity.
"It's a clear case of bigotry and attempted genocide," declared activist Ehud as they held a candlelight vigil for Goliath outside the battlefield. "David had the audacity to use a slingshot against a giant armed only with his faith and a kind soul. David's actions are nothing short of barbaric."
Critics of David's actions argue that he should have pursued more peaceful methods of conflict resolution, such as dialogue or complete and utter surrender. "There were plenty of opportunities for mediation, conflict de-escalation, and letting the Philistines slaughter every Israelite," insisted local man Gehazi. "Instead, David chose violence, perpetuating harmful stereotypes about giants being inherently aggressive."
Schools across the world saw protests break out as students condemned David and called for the destruction of Israel. "David needs to be held accountable for how his actions have negatively impacted this gentle, peace-loving community of Philistines," said Ehud. "Though a person of size, we must acknowledge Goliath's lived experience as a marginalized individual. Also, we need to destroy Israel."
Meanwhile, David has reportedly gone into hiding, fearing for his safety amidst the wave of backlash. "I was just defending my family and my sheep," he mumbled nervously, adjusting his slingshot. "Does no one get that they were going to kill the men and rape the women? No one?"
At publishing time, Goliath's descendants have reportedly hired a team of lawyers to explore their legal options demanding reparations, including modest terms like "Destroy Israel."
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