When it comes to the feds, you can never be sure who to trust. Take your baby, for example. Could it be just an innocent, cuddly, cute blessing from God? Maybe. Or, just maybe, it could be another attempt by the feds to spy on you.
The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of ways to tell if your sweet little baby may, in reality, be a fed:
- He cries: Clearly meant to distract you from the windowless van parked across the street.
- He insists on always being with you for some reason: Almost as if he's keeping his eyes on you.
- His rattle looks like it has wires sticking out of it: You're pretty sure that one isn't battery-operated.
- He reported you to the FDA for feeding him unpasteurized breastmilk: Don't you know that raw milk is illegal, sir?
- He spits up every time someone mentions Jan 6: The entire insurrection and those MAGA extremists seem to literally make him sick.
- He smiles and claps with delight whenever you talk about kidnapping the governor of Michigan: Why is that the only thing that seems to make him happy?
- He's always wearing cargo shorts: You don't even dress him in them, he just ends up wearing them.
- He entered the Capitol on Jan 6 but has never been arrested: Yes, you were carrying him, but it's still strange the authorities didn't even ask him any questions.
- When you complain to your spouse about how much you pay in taxes, the baby puts his finger to his ear and says "We got 'em.": Have fun in federal prison, "Daddy."
If you've noticed any of the warning signs listed above, we're not saying your baby is a fed, but… your baby is a fed.
NOT SATIRE: Big Brother's Not Just Watching — He's Taking Notes!
Living in an Orwellian novel? Your toaster might snitch on you to the government, and your car is a rolling confessional booth.
Nowadays, everything you do might as well be broadcast on speakerphone — to the government. It's not just invasive; it's downright un-American.
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.