NEW YORK, NY—In anticipation of Cecile Richards’ resignation as president of Planned Parenthood, the organization has been circulating internally a memo discussing several possible candidates to replace the long-time leader of the abortion provider. This list was leaked Wednesday by an unknown source.
“We all know Queen Cecile is going to leave some huge pink heels to fill,” the document said. “There’s a VERY short list of people in all of human history who have so ruthlessly and efficiently slaughtered millions. But we must find her replacement, and move forward toward our Final Solution. The machine must not slow!”
The memo provides a list of notable people who could possibly fill Richards’ soon-to-be vacant position, along with company notes providing their reasoning for and thoughts about each nominee:
- The Mind Flayer from Stranger Things – This 50-story-tall shadow monster seems to have everything we need in a leader: he can control people’s minds, he feeds on helpless humans, and he controls an army of monsters. Really seems to fit with our company culture. Recommend shortlisting.
- Kim Jong-un – Pros: no qualms with killing the unborn, good at manipulating the media, doesn’t have any hang-ups on oppressing the weak and helpless. Cons: None that we can see.
- Cecile Richards’ true demonic form – When Cecile resigns and sheds her meat suit, why not bring back her true demonic form as president? Might be a bad look for us, but it will show transparency and honesty which will play well with our supporters. (Could make for a lit hashtag/social media campaign—#TheRealCecile perhaps?)
- A wrought iron scythe dripping in blood – Maybe too on the nose? But still, having a symbol of our annual harvest of hundreds of thousands of humans could be inspiring to the clinics. Let’s mull on it.
- Kermit Gosnell – Yes, he’s in prison, but organized crime bosses have been able to run their syndicates from inside jail cells for decades, so we so reason why Dr. Gosnell could not do the same for us. Strong candidate.
- Madam Umbridge – She already works for the dark lord. Maybe she’d be interested in a transfer to our department? We’ll ask Lord Voldemort if he can put us in touch on our next conference call.
- A jar of festering pond scum – We have to find a candidate that will live up to Cecile’s moral legacy. Maybe we can collect a bunch of disgusting, putrid gunk from the bottom of a pond and that could be our next president? Just spitballing here.
- Skynet – Our company’s mission is to snuff out the next generation of humanity, and Cyberdyne Systems’ self-aware neural network aims to exterminate mankind. Seems like there could be some mutual interest here. Worth exploring?
Other names like the Dark Lord Sauron, Pennywise the Clown, and the Angel of Death were all scrawled down in the margins as well, sources confirmed at publishing time.