In Braveheart Re-Release William Wallace Just Tells The Scottish To Stay Home, Stay Safe
Entertainment · Jun 9, 2020 ·

LOS ANGELES, CA - Mel Gibson's classic film Braveheart has been deemed problematic since William Wallace encourages the Scottish to fight for their freedoms. So, Paramount Pictures announced the new Braveheart: At Home Edition, where the offending scenes have been edited to show the brave freedom fighter encouraging everyone to just "stay home" and "save lives."

"Every man dies -- well, every man who doesn't listen to government orders, that is," Wallace says, pleading with the crowds to return to their homes rather than fight for their freedom. "Dying in your beds, many years from now, would you trade all the days from this day to that for one chance to go outside? Of course not. That's a terrible deal. It's much better to stay home and stay safe. Yeah, the English will kick us around from time to time, but the important thing is your health."

Wallace then pulls out a study funded by English researchers that shows a strong correlation between fighting the English and getting drawn and quartered. "Listen to the science," he says. "If you come out here and stand in defiance of tyranny, you want grandma to die."

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!


There are 28 comments on this article.

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.