WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a televised address from the oval office, President Joe Biden called for calm across the nation by falling asleep on national television. Millions of Americans witnessed the leader of the free world slowly nod off mid-sentence and grumble in his sleep as he slowly slipped out of his chair and out of the view of cameras.
"This is true leadership," said CNN's Wolf Blitzer. "Biden is calling on all of us to take a deep breath and relax — something we all need right now. A powerful and inspiring statement from the President."
"If he can fall asleep on the job then I guess the country is doing great," said Barbara Richfield, 54. "The country must be doing better than I thought."
Republicans immediately pounced upon the sleeping President. "This is an outrage!" said Tucker Carlson on his nightly show. MSNBC responded by noting that staying awake on the job is one of the classic hallmarks of fascism.
According to sources, aides placed a tiny bed under the resolute desk because Biden routinely falls asleep while attempting to run the country. Experts say this should be an effective counter to whatever message Hunter is sending by staying awake 3 days at a time.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
