CAPE COD, MA — After being forcibly removed from a scenic island off the coast of Massachusetts and placed on a bus headed for a nearby military base, immigrant José Valdez has reportedly begun suspecting that the Martha's Vineyard resident who promised to be his pen pal was not actually being serious.
"She said she'd love to stay in touch and be pen pals," Valdez reportedly told his seatmate Karla Álvarez, who later sold details of the story to the press. "But then she got my name wrong as she said goodbye, and then later I realized she never asked my mailing address. I'm not sure she really wants to be pen pals."
According to sources, Martha's Vineyard resident Karen Gillespie spoke of her encounter with the Venezuelan refugee.
"Our community was SO enriched by Juan, or Jimbo, or whatever his name was, and all his adorable brown friends," said Gillespie to reporters. "We will definitely never be the same. Such a powerful experience. Yeah. Anyway, our tee time is in a few minutes so I gotta go."
When asked about her promise to keep in touch with Mr. Valdez, she replied "Oh, yeah. Totally. For sure... yeah. For sure. Uh-huh. Yeah, definitely."
At publishing time, José Valdez was forced to share a bunker with twenty other men while his children were locked in cages. He writes to Karen Gillespie every day in broken English but so far has received no response.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
