WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a press conference held at the White House today, a keffiyeh-wearing President Joe Biden pushed back against accusations that he has sided with Hamas in its ongoing conflict with Israel.

The president vehemently argued that his wearing of the traditional headdress of Palestinian nationalism should in no way be misinterpreted by anyone as him showing support for Hamas in the war in Gaza.

"I'm outraged at accusations I've taken Hamas's side!" an angry Biden shouted at reporters as he brushed the edge of his keffiyeh out of his face. "We're heading into the hotter months of the year, folks. I'm wearing this keff… this… kefir… keffel… keffin… this thing… to protect myself from the harmful effects of the sun. For people to try to claim that I've sided with Hamas is a bunch of malarkey. Knock it off. Let me be clear. If I keep hearing these scurrilous accusations, then I'll… I'll… larbinzinforbinate."

When asked for further clarification, the White House reiterated that Biden's new keffiyeh was not a sign of support for Hamas. "Don't be ridiculous," said black and gay Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is black and also gay. "The president is wearing a headdress traditionally worn to show support for Palestine. How does that translate to people thinking he has taken a side? This keffiyeh, just like his decision to continue sending supplies to Palestine while cutting off shipments to Israel, proves he is completely impartial."

At publishing time, the administration issued a press release stating that video footage of President Biden raising the Palestinian flag above the White House and setting the American flag on fire was further proof of his neutrality on the Middle East conflict.

Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.