WASHINGTON, D.C. — United States Representative Ilhan Omar woke up extra early Friday so she could rush downstairs to see what presents she got for the Global Day of Jihad before anyone else got up.
"Hurry up!" she called to her brother. "The Global Day of Jihad only comes once a year, sleepyhead!"
Sources say the congresswoman was hoping for a good gift since she had been a good antisemite all year, and left out plenty of hummus for jolly old Durka Claus.
To her delight, carefully nestled under her Palestinian flag were several presents wrapped in plain brown wrapping paper topped with red bows representing the blood of her enemies. She tore through them greedily, delighted to see that she had not been forgotten this October 13th.
"Wow! A real improvised explosive device! Gee, thanks, Durka Claus!" she shouted giddily. "This is the best Global Day of Jihad ever!"
Later, fellow squad member Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called Ilhan Omar in tears because she hadn't received any presents, only a threatening note admonishing her for being an infidel.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
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