GOTHAM CITY — A foolish thief found himself in the hospital recovering from a dislocated shoulder, a fractured wrist, three broken ribs, and a shattered pelvis after foolishly trying to rob a bank in the same city where Batman lives.
Police identified the suspect as 28-year-old Steve Raffles, a caucasian male with no prior convictions. Unfortunately for him, the Caped Crusader doesn't care if it's someone's first offense. Raffles was reportedly found unconscious at the scene.
"In hindsight, I probably should've robbed a bank in Chicago," the suspect said. "I'm not even sure there are police in Chicago. It would have been easy."
Raffles was rushed to the emergency room in police custody after Batman reportedly leapt from the shadows and slammed into his chest with a flying kick, snapped his arm like a twig, and threw him up against the bank vault door. According to witnesses, the Dark Knight made what they assumed was a witty quip following the attack, but his voice was so gravelly they couldn't make it out.
"It was probably pretty clever though, maybe a pun about bank vaults," said one bank customer present for the incident.
According to sources, Raffles thought he was being clever by robbing a bank in Gotham. "Honestly, a lot of thieves stay away from Gotham because of Batman. I thought it would be what he'd least suspect," Raffles explained. "I thought he'd be too busy fighting the Joker or Calendar Man to pay attention to a small-time bank robber. Boy, was I stupid."
At publishing time, Raffles had been assigned a public defender who promptly told him to stop candidly answering questions for the press because it was hurting his case.
Can a sombrero get you free healthcare?
