BEAVER'S TAIL, OR - Local man Brad Mandolin identifies as an anti-fascist, bravely punching hundred-year-old statues and throwing bricks through the windows of small businesses to make sure fascism never rises again. He's constantly telling his friends -- via Zoom, of course -- that he would have spoken out against Hitler's concentration camps had he lived in the 1930s and 1940s, though he has said nothing about China's concentration camps today.

"I totally would have been on the forefront of the fight against concentration camps," said the man who has ignored all news coverage about Uighurs rounded up by Communist China and has in fact defended companies who cover up China's oppression and extermination of its people. "Everyone else would have been like, 'Eh, Hitler's not so bad,' and I would have been like, 'NO! I AM TAKING A STAND! WE MUST STOP HIM!' I'm not saying I would have been a hero, but take that as you will."

"Also, the Uighur concentration camp thing is an alt-right, borderline racist, Fox News conspiracy theory," he said. "It's really xenophobic to attack China's way of doing things. A very white supremacist way of thinking to say that their way of handling this kind of thing is morally inferior to ours."

"Yeah, you know that picture of the guy folding his arms at the Hitler rally? That woulda been me," he said as he typed on his iPhone. "Anyway, gonna go play some Destiny 2 and then watch an NBA game."