FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Local man Bert Matley confirmed Wednesday he's on the cusp of death after sneezing a few times, having come down with a mild cold.
The man bid a bitter farewell to his family, gathering his wife and kids around him as he felt the end approach. "Zeke, I want you to have my Nintendo Switch," he said. "Take good care of it---and don't erase my Zelda save file."
"Heather, to you I leave my books---please, don't fold the corners to save your place. They're yours now, enjoy them," he said, wincing in pain from some minor sinus pressure.
"And finally, honey, I want you to have all my Cardinals memorabilia," he whispered as the Nyquil began to kick in. "Shhh---don't protest. I know it's a great gift. But you deserve it. You're the only one who kind of knows the pain I'm going through since you've given birth before."
"I love you, family," he said as tears streamed down his face and he felt another round of the sniffles coming on. "Goodbye, cruel world!"