WASHINGTON, D.C. — After news broke that he had received a full presidential pardon from his father for any crimes committed in the last decade, Hunter Biden immediately asked officials from the U.S. Secret Service if he could get his baggie of cocaine back from the White House.
The cocaine, which was discovered over a year ago in a cubby outside the entrance to the West Wing, had gone unclaimed with authorities closing their investigation without learning the identity of its owner. With his pardon now in effect, Biden quickly claimed it and requested its return.
"Yeah, it's totally mine, thanks," Biden was reportedly heard saying in a phone call with the Secret Service. "I had to stash it one day when a tour group was coming through while I was about to do some lines. Such a buzzkill. Anyway, now that I don't have to answer for anything illegal I've done, I'd appreciate it if you gave me back my blow. I plan on hitting some celebration pretty hard tonight if you know what I mean. I mean I'm going to get absolutely wasted and I need my coke."
A spokesman for the Secret Service confirmed Biden made the request. "We figured it was his, but now we know for sure," said Agent Sean Kellar. "Unfortunately, the pardon Mr. Biden received from his father now precludes us from taking any action against him for possessing the illegal substance. It's probably better that the cocaine goes back to its rightful owner rather than going to waste in some evidence locker anyway."
At publishing time, Hunter Biden had reportedly also asked for a hard copy of his presidential pardon that he could roll up into a tube to snort the returned cocaine.
Here's what RFK Jr. will do to get everyone back in shape!