WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth awoke Tuesday morning with a brutal hangover, only to be seized with terror by the sight of British Redcoats standing on the White House lawn.
After briefly wondering if this was all a Jägermeister-induced hallucination, the echoing sound of military drums assured him that this was no drill.
"We're under — burp — attack!" cried Hegseth, stumbling to his feet. "Blasted Brits, I knew this day would come. Of all the nights to pass out on the White House lawn. Hold on, I'm coming, Donald!"
Clutching his head and downing handfuls of ibuprofen, Hegseth reportedly punched out two military drummers and a flutist on his way to the White House steps. "Seal the doors! Grab the George Washington painting! And someone get me a rifle," shouted Hegseth. "I'll hold off these lobster-backs until air support arrives. Look at the fools, still marching in a line. It's about to be Yorktown all over again."
At publishing time, Hegseth had heroically tackled Trump to save him after seeing that the King of England had breached the White House walls.
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