U.S. — The world's first time machine has finally been completed, opening up boundless possibilities for humanity to research the depths of history or peer into the shrouded future. However, sources report that everyone allowed to use the technology just keeps traveling back in time to 2001 so they can watch Peter Jackson's Fellowship of the Ring in theaters again.
"This is a monumental leap forward for humanity," said Dr. Charles Arden, the scientist who finally cracked the secret to time travel. "The pages of history can at last be laid bare, with every secret called forth! But first, I'm heading back to watch Fellowship again. I just can't stop."
Fears that time travel would destroy the universe through the creation of a "time paradox" have proved to be unfounded as every single time traveler spends their journey in a dark theater watching Fellowship. Though other scientists have promoted the idea of first using the time machine to kill Hitler, the inventor of time travel has argued that such time travelers would then miss out on the Balrog.
"Wow! Frodo has never looked larger than he does on the silver screen," said one time traveler, his eyes damp with tears. "Time travel is everything I could have dreamed."
"We can't be certain, but I believe this may lead to unforeseen consequences," said Dr. Arnold Overton, a known critic of the project. "Every ticket purchased to Fellowship of the Ring by a time traveler displaces an actual 2001 native. Were they able to buy the ticket or did they give up on the idea and never eventually see the film? These are the questions that keep me up at night."
Dr. Arden has responded to criticism for his new technology by suggesting that Dr. Overton is just jealous he didn't invent a machine that lets him watch Fellowship of the Ring in theaters.
At publishing time, Dr. Overton built his own personal movie theater so he could watch Fellowship of the Ring without having to travel through time. Unfortunately, he was forced to admit that it just wasn't the same.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
