LOS ANGELES, CA — At the request of Hollywood executives, the California state government opened an inquiry into possible infiltration of the film industry by honest God-fearing, law-abiding American citizens who reject Communism.
The hearings were organized in part by actor George Clooney, who allegedly blamed non-communists for his role in 1997's Batman & Robin.
Committee Chairman Mark Ruffalo was quick to assuage fears that the hearings were in any way an attack on the film industry itself: "I want to emphasize at the outset of these hearings that the fact that the Committee on American Activities is investigating alleged influence from normal people on the film industry is not to be understood as an attack on the film industry itself, for it has given us many great works such as Captain Marvel, The Rise of Skywalker, and the live action remake of Snow White."
Several actors and prominent filmmakers testified as part of the publicly televised hearings, with many willing to point fingers at the few non-communists left in Hollywood.
"David Schwimmer is not a communist," Oscar winner Julia Roberts testified. "I met him during a guest appearance on Friends, and he kept talking about free market capitalism. It was terrifying."
Though having no official power outside California, the committee ruled that actors Kurt Russell, James Woods, Kelsey Grammer, Mel Gibson, Jon Voight, Zachary Levi, Chris Pratt, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kevin Sorbo, Dean Cain, Clint Eastwood, Tim Allen, Patricia Heaton, Gary Sinise, Jim Caviezel, Rob Schneider, and Vince Vaughn should never be allowed to make films again.
A special exception was made for actor Kirk Cameron, who they recommended be burned at the stake.
At publishing time, the celebrity committee called on Congress to enact legislation "to assist the American entertainment industry to rid itself of normal people who love America and Jesus."
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