LOS ANGELES, CA — LeBron James has made the final free agency decision of his career, announcing that he will be taking his receding hairline to Philadelphia.
James stated that in addition to his retreating hairline, he will also bring to Philly a portable disability insurance policy and the final shreds of the meniscus in his right knee.
"I will be taking what's left of my talents and hair to Philadelphia," announced James to a throng of journalists. "I'm looking forward to playing every other Tuesday, except when it rains. These knees don't do rain any more. I would also like to announce that I have selected AARP for life insurance. They are the trusted name for senior care, and I am proudly taking the financial future of my family upon my passing to the good folks at AARP."
The decision came as a surprise to many, as James was widely thought to be deciding between Golden State, Cleveland, or Miami. "Those other places just couldn't match what Philadelphia offers in terms of world-class geriatric care," said James. "Also, the 76ers' home at Xfinity Mobile Arena has next-level accessibility for the mobility impaired. In the end, the choice was easy."
At publishing time, James' introductory press conference had been delayed after James bumped his leg on a chair and spent the next thirty minutes laying on the ground sobbing.
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