HILLSDALE, MI — As aggressive, threatening mobs of students continued to gather at Columbia University, Hillsdale College once again proudly reported no violent antisemitic protests for the 180th year in a row.
"We're keeping the streak alive," said a Hillsdale spokesperson. "While other schools struggle to make it through a single semester without violent antisemitic mobs taking over portions of the campus, Hillsdale is still adhering to the tried and true method of just, you know, teaching students about various subjects pertaining to their areas of study."
The historic achievement has amazed faculty at other schools. "I don't know how they do it," said an Ivy League administrator who asked to remain anonymous. "The idea that a college could just educate students and avoid having vitriolic protests erupting on campus is awe-inspiring. Maybe someday we can go back to teaching people and no one will have to worry about a new wave of anti-Jewish hatred taking over the school… but not today. Only Hillsdale can make that claim."
At publishing time, Hillsdale had also issued a press release announcing that there have still been no calls from anyone in Congress to send the National Guard to restore safety and security on campus.
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
