SPRINGFIELD, IL — Illinois governor Jay Robert Pritzker has taken a firm stance against Trump's recent deportations by vowing to eat an extra large deep dish meat lovers' pizza every day until Trump is stopped.
Pritzker credits the inspiration for his "act of civil disobedience" to several famous passive resistance movements throughout history.
"You look at Ghandi — he probably fasted at some point," Pritzker told reporters, as he unbuttoned his coat and reluctantly picked up his fifth piece of deep dish. "So I thought, 'Why don't I do that, except the opposite, and for a different cause of justice?' President Trump, believe you me — I will never stop eating one entire extra large deep dish meat lovers' pizza a day until you cease your tyrannical abuses of power and change your ways."
Pritzker sighed deeply and bit into another slice, sadly choosing to force himself to keep wolfing down the rest of Chicago's best as a testament to his disapproval of Trump's actions.
At publishing time, Pritzker's actions had been compared to the 2024 Princeton hunger strikes, which left several undergraduates without avocado toast for nearly four hours, and 4-year-old Max Wray's heroic fasting in resistance to his mother's cooking Brussels sprouts for dinner.
Travis is back on his mission to interview everyone. Next on the list is celebrity chef and restauranteur Andrew Gruel.
