NEW YORK, NY — A Columbia University student later identified as Luke Dillon left a lecture on microaggressions a little early so he could make it to the "Kill the Jews" rally on time.

The University happily hosted the rally for mass murder and rape after being assured that no one would be misgendered. "Hate speech has no place here at Columbia," assured President Minouche Shafik. "We affirm everyone's right, regardless of gender, to feel safe to express their deep hatred and longing to kill Jewish people. That's why Columbia is more than a school - it's a family."

A group effort, the "Kill the Jews" rally was lovingly organized by the Palestine Solidarity Committee with help from the Nationalsozialistischer Deutscher Studentenbund. The rally's aim is to spread awareness of the plight of the Palestinian people who currently have to live in a world where Jewish people are alive and breathing.

"We will continue to band together until the Jewish people are rendered extinct and a free Palestine is established from the river to the sea," said Mr. Dillon. "Jewish breathing is a clear microaggression and if you disagree with killing Jews, that just makes you a Nazi. As we all know, only Nazis support Israel! Boo, Nazi Israel!"

At publishing time, Columbia had proudly announced that its Diversity, Equity and Inclusion Department would be hosting a "Yay, Holocaust" night next week.

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