CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard University, long viewed as one of the most prestigious learning institutions in the world, ushered in a new era of education today by appointing Kanye West as its new Dean of Students.
"This is a logical next step in the clear direction our school is taking," said Harvard President Claudine Gay, who was hired because she is a female of color and her last name is "Gay." "In keeping with this institution's commitment to diversity, we wanted someone who not only connects with today's students but who also has a problem with Jews. Kanye is a fitting addition to our leadership team."
"Yo, I thank you for giving me this opportunity," said Kanye. "I really need the money right now, actually. I'm looking forward to addressing the Jewish problem here at Harvard. Seriously, we gotta do something about all these Jews."
"I love Hitler," he added.
Harvard has been the source of controversy as of late, with many people accusing the institution and its student body of promoting antisemitism. The school's leadership hopes the appointment of Ye will deflect some of the negative press. "He's a cultural icon," Gay explained. "He is a true legend in the areas of music, fashion, and being disturbingly hostile toward the Jews. He's a natural fit for Harvard."
At publishing time, Kanye's first order of business was reported to be instituting an official Harvard uniform, which would consist of military fatigues and red armbands.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.