GAZA — In an urgent message intended to clarify its stance, the terrorist organization Hamas explained they were really only wanting Israel to cease fire.
"There seems to have been a misunderstanding," said Hamas spokesman Abu Ubeida. "When we requested a ‘ceasefire,' what we really wanted was for the Israeli forces — may they die like dogs — to stop shooting at us so we can continue firing thousands of rockets without any pesky interruptions. So, if you would please tell Israel to stop firing. Ceasefire now. Thank you very much and death to Israel."
The appeal comes as Israeli ground forces began their invasion of Gaza following weeks of airstrikes and targeted raids. While Hamas had offered to agree to a ceasefire, the Israeli military began to advance into Palestinian territory. "Hamas seems to have a unique understanding of the terms of a ‘ceasefire,'" said an IDF spokesman. "As we continued our attacks, we received messages saying things like ‘Hey! No fair!' and ‘No backsies!' We're not sure they understand how a ceasefire works."
Democrat lawmakers in the United States were quick to come out in support of Hamas's modified approach to a ceasefire. "Who are we to tell the brave Hamas fighters they can't keep shooting?" asked Representative Rashida Tlaib. "If Hamas requests a one-sided ceasefire, they have every right to get it. Shame on those Jews for being unwilling to comply."
At publishing time, Hamas had made a new request to have all Israeli forces unload their weapons and stand still while Hamas terrorists opened fire on them.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
