HEAVEN - In a surprise reversal from long-standing policy, Jesus has decided to announce the date of his Second Coming, which will now occur right before Amazon is able to ruin Lord of the Rings.
"After seeing what Jeff Bezos's company is doing to Tolkien's work, the King of Kings decided to go ahead and just call it," said Spokesangel Gabriel. "He will come in August of this year, sparing mankind from the horrific tragedy of seeing Tolkien's life's work dismantled and destroyed on their TV screens. Seriously, Amazon? DWARF WOMEN HAVE BEARDS! What are you thinking?"
Some sources reported Jesus moved up his second coming at the urging of Tolkein himself, who has not stopped bugging the Almighty about it since Amazon acquired the rights to the story.
"Fear not," said Gabriel. "You will all be spared the suffering and unbearable cringe of a timeless myth being turned into a soulless product by a woke corporation."
The Spokesangel went on to remind Christians that they only have a few months left on earth to watch Peter Jackson's trilogy a few more times and get Jordan Peterson baptized before time's up.
Hallelujah!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
