SAN JOSE, CA - Local half-white, half-black man Michael Preston has been ordered to pay himself reparations since half his ancestors were oppressed and half were oppressors.

"Wait -- what?" he said after he received a letter from Governor Gavin Newsom's office informing him he owed himself over $25,000. "Uh... OK? I guess?" He then went down to the bank and ordered a transfer to himself. He was a little short of the total amount so he made it in installments, sending himself several payments totaling the $25,000 amount he owes himself for his ancestors oppressing his other ancestors.

"We'd like to thank Mr. Preston for atoning for the guilt of his ancestors," said Governor Newsom. "Because of them, he has a unique place of privilege in life and has had a leg up on his fellow citizens, who are oppressed because of things that happened hundreds of years ago. Today, he has made that right. Well, until we ask for more reparations later. Frankly, it's never going to stop."

"We'd also like to congratulate Mr. Preston for receiving the reparations long overdue to his ancestors today," said Governor Newsom. "Because of what happened to them, he is in a unique place of oppression in life and has never been able to get ahead of his fellow citizens, who are far more privileged than him because of things that happened hundreds of years ago. Today, that wrong has been righted. Well, until we send him more reparations later. Frankly, it's never going to stop."

Preston has said he'll pay whatever to himself going forward as long as the state just leaves him alone and lets him live his life.