WORLD—With Facebook down, and the world basking in the warm glow of a post-Facebook utopia, the hackers responsible for the attack are now warning that if their demands are not met, they will reactivate Facebook once again.
"We know the world is celebrating the peace and unity brought about by us deleting Facebook from the internet," said a cryptic message broadcast from an unknown location. "But if you don't comply with our demand for $700 billion dollars by 8 pm tonight, we will restore Facebook and unleash its evils upon the world once again."
"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed everyone in horror at the thought of being doomed to once again scroll through Facebook's clinically addictive interface, depressing newsfeed, and angry arguments with Aunt Guthrie. "Please! PLEASE! Make Facebook stay gone! Don't let it come back!"
"8 pm tonight. $700 billion," responded the hackers with a maniacal laugh. "Don't disappoint us."
According to sources, local woman Aunt Guthrie is still sitting at her desk clicking "refresh" over and over.
In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.