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Panel Of Third Graders To Dictate Nation's Climate Change Policy

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a panel on climate change held yesterday, the Senate brought in a group of excited third graders for ideas on fighting climate change.

"These kids have ideas and they are passionate, so we must listen to them," said Sen. Brian Schatz of Hawaii. "There are no possible downsides to taking kids who have been told the world is ending by the public school system and allowing them to dictate national policies on important issues."

The kids came up with the following list so far, though they say they're "just spitballing" and the ideas need some fleshing out:

  • Bribing the climate with cookies and candy
  • Putting the climate on time-out
  • Just ignoring climate change and playing Fortnite
  • Building a giant magnet and sucking up all the bad climate stuff
  • Buying a Nintendo Switch for every person in the nation (so they'll stay inside and play Nintendo instead of driving cars)
  • Making a big freeze ray gun like in Despicable Me and shooting the climate
  • Pointing and laughing at cows who fart so they'll be embarrassed and stop farting
  • Hey do you guys want to play some Minecraft? This is boring.

"It's incredibly brave for these kids to volunteer to take over our government's climate change policies," said Schatz as the panel convened for its seventh Fortnite break of the morning. "I'm not sure why we didn't think of this before."

The kids will also be asked to make policies on bedtime, homework, and candy.

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