Home > Politics > Groggy, Bound Wayne Grudem Awakens In Warehouse To Discover Evil Twin Endo...
Politics U.S. Donald Trump Election 2016
Groggy, Bound Wayne Grudem Awakens In Warehouse To Discover Evil Twin Endorsed Trump In His Name

PHOENIX, AZ—In an abandoned building somewhere in Phoenix’s warehouse district, a groggy, bound Wayne Grudem reportedly came to Wednesday with a splitting headache and lacerations on his face and hands.

“What . . . what happened? Where am I?” the theologian slurred as the effects of a cocktail of powerful sedatives began to wear off. Slowly, Dr. Grudem began recalling men in ski masks jumping him as he was taking out the trash roughly two weeks prior.

“This . . . my evil twin did this . . . I know it,” he reportedly muttered as he spotted a note on the floor next to him, sitting on top of a charging iPhone.

“Might want to check the Town Hall column that’s open in the Chrome browser,” the ominous letter read. “Your brother, Payne.”

Loosening the ropes around his hands and feet, Grudem opened the iPhone browser to discover, much to his horror, that his evil twin had penned an opinion article titled “Why Voting for Donald Trump is a Morally Good Choice” in his name.

“A morally good choice?” the respected author and theologian cried. “You fiend!”

Grudem was reportedly unable to continue reading the column after seeing the first bold header, which called Trump “A good candidate with flaws,” and smashed the iPhone to bits on the floor of the dilapidated warehouse, cursing his malevolent brother’s name.

Readers of the Bee,

If just a small fraction of our visitors became subscribers, we'd have enough funding to stop running ads and reduce our dependence on big tech companies like Facebook and Google. Will you partner with us to make this possible?