In Somber Press Conference, Governor Newsom Announces COVID Has Killed Santa

SACRAMENTO, CA—California Governor Gavin Newsom has already released numerous rules limiting Thanksgiving celebrations and has now announced his latest instructions for Christmas: tell children that Santa Claus died of COVID-19.

In order to help parents break the sad news to their kids, Newsom organized a somber press conference where he announced Santa's tragic end.

"Sorry, kids," he announced in a very sad voice while oddly smirking at the camera. "Santa's gone. COVID got him. That's what happens when you don't wear a mask!"

“There’s just no way to have a safe Christmas celebration,” Newsom later told the press. “The best course of action is to tell children that Santa is dead because he is one of those crazy right-wingers who refused to wear a mask, and now Christmas is canceled. This will also help you save money on Christmas gifts -- which you’ll need to do in case we have another lockdown.”

To help back up this story, malls, instead of offering pictures with Santa, will have a Santa memorial where two people at a time (wearing masks and living in the same household) are allowed to lay a wreath.

Newsom also listed some rules for a limited Christmas celebration. Nativity scenes are allowed as long as they are not visible from the street and everyone in the scene is wearing a mask (with no exceptions for baby Jesus). Singing is allowed only while wearing a mask, and the only song allowed is Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”

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