WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House issued a dire warning this week, reminding the nation that Elon's continued ownership of Twitter means they now only control 97% of the media.
"We can't overstate how dangerous this is," said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "Yes, we still control Facebook, Google, Apple, Instagram, YouTube, ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, The Washington Post, The New York Times, Hollywood, TIME, USAToday, The Wall Street Journal, and pretty much all the rest, but we don't control Twitter. This is dangerous to democracy."
The entire intelligence community at the CIA, FBI, and NSA concurred with the warning, stating that "Elon's ownership of Twitter leaves America vulnerable to dangerous opinions we do not approve of." Leaders with the agencies are recommending immediate investigations to bring down the Twitter CEO provided their planned drone strike doesn't work first.
"Democracy is at stake," said all the agency leaders in a shared statement in which they all recited the words simultaneously in a robotic monotone. "We must do something. Democracy is at stake."
At publishing time, several watchdog groups had underscored the warning, pointing to a 128% increase in exposure to unapproved opinions since Musk's Twitter purchase.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: