WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to mounting criticism of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnel's fitness to serve, the Republican party has replaced McConnell with a far more lifelike cardboard cutout of the Kentucky senator, according to sources.
"This will provide us with much more functional leadership," said GOP Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel. "This cardboard cutout is a vast improvement, with its static depiction of Senator McConnell being far more lively and interactive than the real, human version. No one even noticed for over a week."
Serious questions have been raised over McConnell's competency after he suffered more than one public episode in which he fell alarmingly silent while speaking to the press. "Replacing him with a life-sized cardboard cutout will silence a lot of these critics," said a GOP insider. "While the transition will feel rather seamless during press conferences, we're expecting to get a lot more productivity and collaboration with the cardboard cutout behind the scenes."
When reached for comment, Senator McConnell responded, "................................"
Congressional Democrat leaders applauded the move while stating this would not present any change in their ability to move their legislative agenda forward. "Honestly, this cardboard cutout isn't much different than the real thing," said Senator Chuck Schumer. "We haven't skipped a beat passing our agenda with zero opposition from Republicans!"
At publishing time, a group of high-ranking government leaders were engaged in secret backroom meetings to discuss how much easier it may be to simply replace every member of Congress over the age of 65 with a cardboard cutout.
Their culture is not your costume. DO NOT appropriate ghost, zombie, or vampire culture this Halloween.