U.S. — In a stunning act of mass delusion and cinematic stupidity, Americans have announced plans to keep pretending that Disney's animated 2013 film Frozen was somehow, in some universe, a better film than Disney's animated 2010 masterpiece Tangled.
"Yeah, Frozen was a better movie by far," world's wrongest woman Leslie Barnes said. "I mean, it's got that ‘Let it Go' song and that…um…guy with the elk. Tangled was just so, I dunno, creative and original and touching and delightful in every way, it just wasn't what I want from a Disney film."
Millions of totally wrong U.S. citizens maintain Frozen was a better film despite its lack of Jeffery Tambor AND its inclusion of Josh Gadd. While Tangled has empirically better music, better voice acting, and a better story, many Americans continue to prefer Frozen in defiance of all good taste and sanity.
"I just don't understand how people think Frozen was better," world's rightest man Dave Cavanaugh told reporters. "Tangled was fun and bright and an engaging ride from start to finish. And when they sing 'At Last I See The Light' at the end... I get choked up every time, man. I guess it just didn't have the merchandising opportunities that Frozen did…man…they put that Elsa lady on everything. My daughter has a digital thermometer that plays ‘Let It Go' if she's above 101 degrees. That seems…a bit much."
Many Americans argue Frozen delivered a cast of strong female leads and a host of memorable songs, while other, more intelligent citizens know Tangled is, objectively, just a much better, more watchable film based on every available metric.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
