PARADISE — Believers in Christ rejoiced this week after it was revealed that God had confirmed that, at the end of the age, Heaven will bring all nations, tribes, and tongues together in hatred of the New York Yankees.

The announcement came as a relief to the multitude of devout Christians who had feared they would enter eternity not knowing if everyone else would be in unity with them in their burning detest for the pinstripe-clad devils from the Bronx.

"Yes, it's true," said a spokesangel. "We can officially confirm that God the Father has ordained that, once this world passes away and all things become new, the heavenly kingdom will bring together all peoples from every nation, tribe, and tongue to spend eternity with God and agree on their collective disdain for the New York Yankees."

"I can't wait to get to Heaven!" shouted Christian and baseball fan Chris Wilson. "Not only will we all be there basking in the glory of the Lord and meet Jesus face to face as we've always dreamed, but finding out that everyone will be united in passionate hatred of the New York Yankees is just icing on the cake! Praise the Lord!"

At publishing time, though some people questioned the announcement, asking about professing believers who also identified themselves as Yankee fans, the spokesangel provided clarification. "That term contradicts itself," he said. "No decent, God-fearing believer who has their name written in the Book of Life could possibly be a fan of the Yankees."

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