In the most exciting Bible news since 1611, Zondervan announced today a new Joe Biden Version of the Scriptures. All the books of the Bible have been translated into Joe Biden's native tongue, in hopes that the president and others with dementia can finally understand the Word of God.
Here are ten of the most popular verses from the newest translation of the Bible:
- John 3:16 - "For God so loved... you know, the thing, that He gave His only... well, anyway."
- Revelation 13:18 - "Let he who hath understanding count the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man, and his number is six hundred... six hundred million billion... six hundred sixty hundred ...sixty billion... hundred million... and... and... six."
- John 1:1 - "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was trunalimunumaprzure"
- Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. End of quote, repeat the line."
- Genesis 1:1 - "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. Believe me, I was there. I used to drive an 18-wheeler through the Garden of Eden."
- Matthew 23:23 - "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you dog-faced pony soldiers!"
- Judges 3:21 - "Ehud reached with his left hand, drew the sword from his right thigh and plunged it into the king's belly. And then he said, 'Listen, fat!'"
- Exodus 3:10 - "So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Mexico."
- Matthew 6:15 - "But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, then you ain't black."
- Matthew 19:14 - "Let the little children come unto me, because, well, I got hairy legs that turned blonde in the sun. And the kids used to come up and reach into the pool and rub my leg down so it was straight and watch the hair come back up again."
Wow! Powerful stuff... It's so inspiring it makes you want to... well, anyway.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
