NEW YORK, NY — Donald Trump outsmarted his enemies once again with another brilliant 4D chess maneuver, making use of a mini-Trump ventriloquist doll to skirt a gag order imposed by U.S. District Judge Tanya Chutkan.
"This entire case is a complete and total sham!" the mini-Trump doll shouted while President Trump's lips could not clearly be seen to move. "Denying an American citizen — a president, no less — his right to free speech is a terrible tragedy and it shouldn't happen in America, and it wouldn't happen if I — er, I mean, Trump, were president! WITCH HUNT!"
The DOJ and other sworn enemies of Trump cried foul upon seeing the puppet but were silenced by Trump's amazing ventriloquism skills. "You've got to hand it to him, he outfoxed us again," said one source within the Justice Department. "Trump's mouth is barely even moving, so we have no way of proving that's him talking. As much as we hate it, there's nothing we can do to stop him."
In a press conference following today's hearing, Trump took questions and even wowed the assembled crowd by having the mini-Trump doll provide answers while President Trump drank a glass of water. "How does he do it?" asked one witness. "He's a man of many hidden talents."
At publishing time, an outcry arose over Trump's decision to choose the puppet as his running mate.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
