SAN DIMAS, CA — Local Gen Zer Aiden Heath was reportedly hospitalized this week after going more than five minutes without saying "bro."
Doctors called it the most horrifying case of Metabolic Zoomer Shock (MZS) they had ever seen.
Authorities reportedly discovered Heath unconscious in front of his computer. On the screen was an open text document with the word "bro" typed out over and over, which experts say is an early sign of an impending MZS attack.
EMTs responding to the scene went to work slapping the young zoomer in the face. After he was unable to regain consciousness, he was rushed to nearby Pomona Valley Hospital for additional trauma care.
"MZS is a serious condition that occurs when a Zoomer goes an unusual length of time without saying 'bro,'" explained Dr. Steven Lalezari. "It often happens to loners whose only social outlet is the Internet. In this case, it appears an Internet outage prevented the patient from calling anyone his bro. It's very sad."
Heath's parents were promptly notified of their son's condition, but were apparently unconcerned. "This is stupid," Heath's father, Gary, reportedly told authorities. "Call me when he has a real problem."
Heath remained under observation and was currently undergoing tests in which nurses sat at his bedside and repeatedly said, "Squeeze my hand if you can hear me, bro."
At publishing time, the Heath family had issued a public service announcement to urge all of Aiden's bros to make sure they say "bro" at least once every 60 seconds.
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